The Hermanns

School

2011-08-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

I started back at ASU today. It is my last semester before graduation with my BS in Nutrition....insert joke here.... My program moved all the classes from my cozy relaxed Polytechnic campus to downtown Phoenix campus for my last semester...How nice of them. So instead of my 20 minute commute past the dairy farm, I have a hour and a half commute which includes the light rail. I survived the crowded light rail train today four times. Twice at lunch time to go have a romantic lunch with my sweetie Karl at Wendy's. I have to admit, the crowded light rail train is more tolerable than the crowded freeway traffic. Many of my fellow classmates have found the same solution to their commuting problem, so I am not alone. I am stuffed in the train with many ASU students, and several of them nutrition students.

One question is weighing heavily on my mind tonight, How many days til December 15th?

School

2011-02-28T07:40:00.001-08:00

I am feeling really good today. The end is in sight. I register for my final semester next Monday. When I say end....It isn't the end, just the end of my BS. I plan on getting a Master's too. But the fact that I am going to accomplish the goal that I set out to do. I rarely accomplish goals in my life. I haven't had many goals and I am going to accomplish one is a big deal to me. It really makes me feel worth something again.

When I decided to go back to school, I said, " I am going to do this in two years". I didn't really know what all that entailed. Well I only had 57 credits at the time and I needed 75 more. So last year I completed 40 which meant a very very busy summer and this year by December I will have completed 35. Only one summer class this year, unlike three last year. Any way, I feel like I have something to brag about for myself and that feels good.

Another Day

2011-02-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

So it is Wednesday again....I have taken two exams now and I don't feel much better about the semester except that it is four weeks down and only four more weeks 5 exams, one lab, and one presentation before Spring Break. But who is counting. My head hurts beyond belief. Am I really such a massicist that I would self inflict this torture on myself? I paid for this? What was I thinking? I will thank myself in the fall when I only have 12 credits and then I graduate. but the fall is forever away....Well, I might as well enjoy the ride.....to hell. If you wonder where I have been I am trapped in homework hell. Just kidding. I think that is where my kids think I am. poor babies.
Time for class again.

It's Wednesday

2011-02-02T08:15:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here waiting for class to start and I saw I had a message from my sweet friend Christa. She amazes me! She is so positive even though she has been through so much crap. I have never heard her say a mean thing about anyone in my whole life and I have known her for many years. Even when she was upset at her parents she never said anything unkind about them. I am just really glad I got that message today. It made me smile and tear up here in this hallway. I have been so negative about myself lately and thinking about Christa made me realize a few things.

It's Wednesday 2-2-11. Its my mom's 62nd birthday. I remember posting about her 60th birthday. That was a fun dinner at Landmark. She doesn't dye her hair anymore. I am not sure why she stopped but she did. It upsets Cameron, but she still looks good. My mom makes gray look good. I hope I can be just as sexy when I am 62.

It's been awhile....

2011-01-23T21:17:00.000-08:00

I am super busy right now... I am taking way too many credits but that's so I don't have to in the fall for my last semester. I have a total of 19 credits and that is 7 classes and a weekly lab for biochemistry. I am really enjoying it after the first week, just super busy.

My baby miss Mel, made the basketball team and has her first game tomorrow. My twins are signed up for basketball starting in March. So I have sufficiently controlled my children's brains into playing a sport that I enjoy watching. My baby will forever be a dancing princess...no sports for her...fine by me.

I am feeling better about myself. It is still a daily struggle to see myself in a positive light, but hopefully someday soon it won't be so difficult.

the pot calling the kettle.....

2010-08-12T13:56:00.001-07:00

So I see this lady in my neighborhood walking ALL DAY LONG!!! No water or liquids with her. Especially in the summer. She is a stick. I "lovingly" call her anorexic lady. I have often wondered if she eats anything, since her bones stick out all over her body. (That's why she is a stick.) My question was answered this morning at the bus stop when she was smoking a cigarette and drinking a 24oz sugar free Rock Star. My heart fell and I thought, poor lady. She has serious problems. On the way home, I realized....Uh, so the bulimic lady is telling the anorexic lady that she has problems? WOW......

Speaking of problems, I suffer from panic anxiety disorder. Poor Karl, I freak out every time he leaves the house. I swear he isn't going to come back. I go into such a panic that I have to binge and purge. So my psychiatrist put a name on it, now lets work on the issue. Im so impatient. My dad has the patience of Job. I have the patience of like a minute. My father apparently was so patient, that he forgot to include patience in my DNA.

2010-06-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

I do not have too much time on my hands anymore. I am super busy and super retarded. I apologize if you have asked me to do something and I have forgotten. I feel so scatterbrained. At least this time, I haven't forgotten to pick up a child from school....poor mel.

too much time

2010-05-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when I have a break in school....I think everyone should have a break and go and pull my daughter of school and take her shopping for new clothes. She is so much more fun to dress than I am. I think if I buy another anything for Kenz, the other three will revolt and Kenz will officially become the snobbiest diva on the continent. So I had to get my hair done, of course and then went and "rescued" Mel from the depths of boredom in her fifth hour and we hit the mall. What a wise use of her cell phone.........text from Mel at 1210pm this afternoon: 5th hour is starting all we r doin is read SOS hurry and save me.

2010-05-12T15:50:00.000-07:00

I apologize that I have only been posting about school lately. But it is all that is on my mind these days. Semester is over and I ended with 4 A's and one B. Not too shabby after all these years, I would say.

study

2010-05-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

Im trying to study for my org chem final and I am at a loss.......Why does it have to be comprehensive? I knew a lot of this stuff, but I can't remember all the freakin rules anymore....AHHHH I just needed to vent a little before I exploded with frustration.

two and a half finals to go

2010-05-05T16:29:00.000-07:00

Only two and a half finals to go and I have finished my first semester at ASU!!! YAY!!! ( one of my finals is two parts and they are both online, I did the first part, so that's where the half comes from) I'm pretty excited for myself. I really didn't know that I had it in me to do the kinds of things that I did. I get a three week break and then start back on June 1st with summer school.

CONGRATULATIONS to my brothers Nate, Sam, and Jake for putting in the time this semester too! Nate is finally finished with his residency and moving to Arizona for a job. Sam is graduating law school in a couple weeks and then moving to South Bend for a job. And Jake is finishing his semester at ASU with me. He graduates in December. (Becca, come to school with me. Jason, get your butt home and in college so I won't be the only student in the family.) As it is right now, I will graduate in Fall 2011.

Hiking

2010-05-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

We went hiking up the Superstition mountain today. We made it about half way up with the three younger kids. Mel went on a camp hike with the YW instead. Cameron talked the entire time up and back. Brandon made friends with every lizard and other hikers on the trail. Cameron told everyone he was so glad that he wore his hat because it was keeping him dark.

tough cosmos

2010-04-22T13:22:00.001-07:00

After a suggestion from my cousin, Aaron, and encouragement from my family, I started going to ARP meetings. It has brought alot of peace to my life and has also opened my eyes to other things. I thought image was everything, but now I am like who the hell cares? Personally, Cosmo I have something to say to you and your magazines...I love my breast size the way it is. I don't care that I am only a 34B padded push up bra, I think I look really cute in my shirts with my little bumps. Why do I NEED to increase it a size or two. So what if I have to purchase my bikini tops in the little girl section and my bikini bottoms in the super large! I think I look sexy. Never looked better. I don't want to kill my self to be the size 2 that you tell me to be. I'm quite happy with my medium size. Get over it Woman's World! I like being a pear shape....pears are succulent and delicious. Who wouldn't want to be one?

On a side note, Do I really need you to tell me 30 things I can do with a naked man? I mean come on? How hard is that to figure out. And honestly, how do you know what sex positions I have and haven't tried?

.........I still have a long way to go to be in recovery, but I am progressing. Relying on the Lord is the key to recovery, but isn't that the true key to life?

ASU

2010-01-27T20:23:00.000-08:00

So when I came to a crossroad in life in August, I decided that I needed to finish my education. I started at ASU on January 19th. It is kind of odd being there and I have to remind myself that I am like ten years older than most of these kids. I am feeling like I am young again. I guess since I had to grow old in my twenties, because of the experiences that life threw at me, that I get to experience youth in my thirties. Yay! I think the biggest adjustment is that I realized that I am not "needed" as much as I used to be. EVERYONE depended on me to do everything for them. Jeremy, Melodee, Kenz, the twins.....now they are way more independent than they used to be. They are more stable and aren't leaching on me all the freakin time. Karl doesn't need me to do everything for him. He is quite healthy and capable of sustaining life with out me. It leaves me with all this time to focus on my school work.......strange how that works out. At least I still need me.

Happy New Year!!!

2009-12-28T15:23:00.000-08:00

I am so relieved to say good-bye to 2009. I hope to make the most of 2010. It is looking promising for now. I start school on Jan. 19. My kids have settled into their new lives. They are so happy to have their mom back. 2009 I flipped out and I have finally come back. I am working through the consequences of my actions from this past year. Its not easy and I still have set backs. We are so lucky to have Karl. He is awesome! He needs to desensitize his sense of smell or he might die from little boy smell and urine. I am going to go make some cookies, they sound super delish right now.

One Year

2009-11-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it, but it has been a whole year since Jeremy passed. This year feels completely unreal. Like someone else was living my life and it totally was not me. It really wasn't me at all. I have changed in so many ways. Some good, some not so good, some wrong. I have just been going on instinct most of the year, and today it all caught up with me. I started feeling that hopeless careless depressed feeling that I felt last year. The odd thing is that things around me aren't hopeless. I have so much going for me and my family. I dont understand why I feel this way, when now I have everything that I had been hoping for. Human emotions are so incredibly odd that way.

I realize that I am an extremely lucky woman to have three husbands in one year. Who else in the world has had the love of three men in one year. I realize running off to Vegas was just a moment of insanity and rebellion, but hey, we all do crazy things in our lives, right?

It is so odd that Karl and I reconnected right at the time that we did. Crazy how things work out the way that they do. Karl took yesterday off of work to be with me. He didn't want me to do anything stupid, and I probably would have, had he not been there. Thank you Karl. I love you.

On a side note----I feel like the stupidest person. I finally took my explorer to the car wash to have Heber washed off of it. I wanted to get it vacuumed and the seats shampooed. I had the same thing done to my taurus and it was like 40.00. So I was expecting to pay around the same price. I took it somewhere different and find out it is 150.00. I was feeling stupid about that, but even stupider when I waited 3 freaking hours for it to get done. It was 3:30 and I needed to go pick up the twins from the bus stop so I went over to the people and demanded I have it back now because I had to leave. Only to find out that nothing had been done on the inside of my car!!! I unleashed my anger on this poor man. Melodee said,"mom I was scared, you went psycho"

October 17 2009

2009-10-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

Karl Hermann came into my life about 14 years ago, when he took a job as the drumline instructor of my marching band. I thought he was really cute and tried to get him to notice me, but he was not interested in looking at high school girls. The next year though, I realized he at least noticed me enough to recognize me at the institute building at MCC. We hung out quite a bit my freshman year, but never really hooked up. We reconnected on facebook in August and got together to catch up. We both knew immediately that there was a connection between us. Odd timing, but went for it anyway.

These are photos from our wedding on October 17. It was so neat to have the kids be a part of our wedding. It was a special day for our whole new family.

Wrestling Camp Time again.

2009-09-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

Cameron is in th white shirt. They were doing front rolls down the mat

Cameron taking one of his many water breaks.

HI MOMMY!!!!

Fight

2009-08-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am coming out to everyone who reads my blog. I asked for help, but now I just want to share the pain. NO, I am not a lesbian. But I am a bulimic. I have started telling people because I need help. I know people think, well just stop, Sara. Believe me, I have tried to just stop, but I can't. This is bigger than me. Its not like when I just stopped drinking those heavenly delicious frozen cappucinos. This is bigger than that and I need help. Let me just describe the fight that goes on in my head every day.
I wake up and think, should I eat breakfast or just skip it. Usually I decide to skip it until I get to circle K and get a twenty cent banana and a diet coke. No problem, those are less than 150 calories. Okay, I can handle 150 calories. No big deal. Then lunch comes around, I am weak and tired and shaking because I need to eat. So I go to Circle K and look through every isle examining how many calories each item has and decide on 90 calorie lunch meat a bag of pretzels and maybe another banana. That's almost 400 calories. I get back to work and scarf it down because I am starving and shaking. Okay, I am good. About twenty minutes later, I start panicking and worrying about my hips getting bigger or my thighs. I try and calm myself and say, it's ok. You can burn it off later on the elliptical. But then I think, What if I don't have time tonight to work out? This fight goes on in my head after every meal. I finally give in and down a liter of water, wait about a minute and then go and empty my stomach. Relief from the fight in my head. Relief from the fear of gaining weight. But not relief from the torture to my body.
I struggled with this problem in high school, but managed to put it behind me until Jeremy died. Then it made its way back into my life again. I am always tired. I am always weak. But most of all there is a constant struggle in my head that consumes my thoughts. If anyone else struggles with the same thing, please comment. (everyone else too)

Depressed

2009-08-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

I use my blog to vent. I am sorry if I upset or offend people. If you don't want to be upset or offended by my personal feelings, please stop reading. I thought I was depressed after Jeremy died. I was. I was so depressed that I did some crazy whacked out stuff. I am even more depressed now. Most of it is from all the crazy whacked out stuff that I did. I don't really dwell on it, but I do feel stuck. I know all that stuff isn't where happiness comes from. I know that happiness comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. I try and pray. I am doing better and feeling more comfortable in praying. But, I am still so depressed. I still feel so overwhelmed by the mountains in front of me. I do pretty good during the day, but after work I come home and fall apart. I just can't hold it together anymore. I thought David would be a strength to me and he wasn't. He was falling apart just as much as I was. I just have to be a strength to myself.

My brother Sam was texting me early this morning while I was getting ready for work. He will never know how much that helped me. I wasnt' going to get out of bed this morning. I just wanted to lay there all day and zone out. But, it was McKenzee's first day back at daycare and she was so excited to go, so I dragged myself into the shower. When I got out there was a text from Sam. He helped me realize that I have a good quality right now. I may be poor, but I am only poor because I am reliable and pay my bills. In today's market, I am one of the rare people with amazingly good credit. That may sound stupid, but today it gave me the positive boost I needed to get my fat lazy butt out of bed and go to work.

My sister called me last night. She seems to know when I am lonely and depressed. I apologize Lerbis, for being a bitter lonely depressed hag last night. I know you are trying to help, but I don't know what I need. I love you.

My little men

2009-07-23T12:12:00.001-07:00

Cameron has stepped up to be the man of the house. Kenzee's training wheel broke off. So while I was at work, Cameron found Jeremy's tool box. Got out the wrench and took of the training wheel frame part. I drove up from work and found them outside "fixing" the bike. Too cute!

Dream

2009-07-21T15:28:00.001-07:00

I had a dream about Jeremy Sunday night. He was porceline looking and I knew he was an angel, but I hugged him and I could feel him as if he were there and not in my dream. His chest was bare and it was perfect. Scar free and perfect. He told me he would never leave me. And he gave me the courage to make the change in my life that I needed. I have been so scared to raise my four kids alone that I rushed at the speed of light, into a marriage that neither of us was ready for. I know I am not alone in raising my babies. I have so many wonderful friends. I have my parents and I have Jeremy helping from above. I never have enough energy for them, but I do have enough love. Thank you so much to everyone. Jill, thank you for calling me all the time, it seems, right when I am falling apart, you are always there. Emily, thank you so much for texting me at all hours of the night. Tiffani, thank you for dropping everything and getting my kids because they are scared of the lightning. Rebecca, thank you for not saying "I told you so", even though you had every right. Mom and Dad, thank you for everything. David, thank you for loving me enough to leave me. Most of all thank you Melodee, Brandon, Cameron, and McKenzee for being forgiving of your crazy mother. I need to grieve Jeremy's loss. I never did. I just went numb. I need to be Sara, and I need to take care of myself.

Birthday Photos

2009-07-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

McKenzee's 4th Birthday at the cabin. July 5th

We had cake and ice cream on Sunday July 12th after Brandon and Melz got home from camping. The chocolate cake is Brandon's

The banana cake is Cameron's.

The seven layer bean dip and Tostitos are David's.

Camping

2009-07-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, I went camping once when I was four or five. I don't remember it at all. That was the only time my family went camping as a kid. We never went again because it was a horrible experience. I didn't go to girls camp. I am not a roughing it kind of person. I live in Heber/Overgaard. Life is camping to me. So.......My boys birthday was Saturday, July 11. For their birthday last year, we took their cake and few presents down to the hospital and spent it with their dad in his hospital bed. Grandpa Jim wanted to make this a better birthday for those boys. HE DID! They won't ever forget it.

Friday, Jim came and picked the kids up at about 11:30. David waited for me to get off of work and we drove up together. It rained Friday night so we all slept in the fifth wheel. Early the next morning, Jim took the twins fishing at Reservation Lake. Mel and I went for a jog around the woods. We got back and got ready and went to look for the boys. We drove around for over an hour looking for them. Of course there was no service for our cell phones so we never found them and went back to the trailer. They showed up about an hour later and said they went to a different lake. Cameron was whining because he didn't catch any fish, but Brandon caught one. They ate it for dinner that night. David wasn't feeling good and I didn't sleep a wink the night before, so we took Kenz and Camme home. Mel and Brandon stayed with Grandpa and they slept Saturday night in a tent. Camme was worried about bears so he wanted to leave. Grandpa and Brandon didn't get attacked by a bear, just an elk. Brandon caught a total of three fish. So we know who will save us from starvation.

They want to go again. Thank you Grandpa Jim!!!

Vacation

2009-07-09T09:24:00.001-07:00

I need a vacation! Who wants to go with me? No kids, no phones, no men. Just relaxing and having a hot tan muscular man rub oil on our bodies while we tan ourselves in our bikinis on a sunny beach. Occasionally sip our icy drinks to keep us cool.... right. In my dreams. Well maybe someday, just not today.

GNO

2009-06-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

Girls night out rules!!! Jill and I went and saw Angels and Demons. During the movie, Jill got up to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she had a new drink. I thought hers ran out and she bought another one. She sat down and turned to me and said,"Why are there three drink cups?" She was drinking someone elses cup that she found in the bathroom. We both wanted to throw up!!! SICK!

Heber

2009-06-05T16:29:00.000-07:00

I cannot make up my mind....obviously. So we moved back to Heber on Saturday May 30. I am back at A1 Glass. David is looking for a job. Melodee is back in summer music at Capps. The boys are going to go back to Mountain Meadows in August for 2nd grade. (I can't believe they are that old) And Kenz is back to being the spoiled baby. We are not living in the same house as before. We are renting a different place over on the other side of the boys school. It is so nice to be in our own place again. It feels like we are a family again. We are still having emotional issues, pretty much ALL of us, but we are working through them. It is easier to remember who you were, when you are surrounded by reminders.

Today started out being boring....until Jill showed up at my work and we got our diet sodas together. JILL I am so glad you are back from CA!!!! (even if you aren't) You made my day!

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T00:24:00.001-07:00

Last Memorial Day, little Carissa Gwen Hall passed away. Six months later, my husband Jeremy passed away. I have a lot to remember this Memorial day. I was drifting off to sleep tonight and started dreaming that it was November 1st again. That was such a happy day. I went to Payson with the kids to go grocery shopping. While we were on the way there, Jeremy called from Banner Baywood and said that he was getting released that day. He had his mom bring him up to Payson where we picked him up at the MacDonalds there. It was such a crisp day. The sun was shining, the air smelt so clean of fall. We didn't even need our jackets. The kids played and Jeremy looked the best that he had in months. He could walk with out assistance. He wasn't shaking uncontrollably. We were all happy to see our Jeremy. Then I flashed to November3rd.....Jeremy on the couch. The first Brady bunch episode playing on the television. I turned off the tv and looked at Jeremy, arms folded on across his chest, cold stiff with his mouth gaping open....not breathing. Very peaceful, but very wrong.... He had been that way for hours. The reading light was still left on. He always turned it off. He always turned off the tv. He was very OCD, didn't miss any details. My heart felt like it had stopped. I checked for a pulse, all I could feel was my own. I knew he was dead.........I hugged him and started crying, "I am so happy for you! I am so happy for you!" Then I called 911. .....

That morning lasted forever. Time had no meaning. A huge part of me died that morning too. I have been trying to figure out who I am for the past six or seven months. I have made so many mistakes since that day, trying to run away from the pain. I cannot explain the intense pain that comes from losing your soulmate. But, I know that the crazy decisions that I have made have hurt those who I love the most. I am so sorry. I am so grateful for your continual love dispite the choices I have made. I don't want to do the things that remind me of Jeremy. I need to do those things again, like go to church. My kids are starting to notice that they want that back in their lives. Cameron asked me this morning to go to church. Thank you to Grandma, my mom, for giving them that stability that they needed when I was unable/unwilling.

Feelings

2009-05-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

So I just need to vent again on this Mother's Day. It was a good day. My kids were super sweet with their cards and hugs. I loved them! Cameron even wrote a card in Spanish. How cute......I just have been feeling again. The numbness has wore off. I have been being really short fused with everyone I know. It hasn't been fair. I haven't been being fair to anyone.

Panchos

2009-04-30T19:58:00.001-07:00

San Diego.

2009-04-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

The kids on a pier.

Kenzee

All six kids being shuttled around San Diego. SIX KIDS!!!! That is craziness!!!!

I am so mad that my batteries died in my camera. I only got these three pictures. We had fun at the beach. We had fun going to see the Hannah Montana movie with all SIX KIDS. David and I needed a psychiatric exam afterwards but it was still fun.

Easter

2009-04-12T21:01:00.001-07:00

Our family Easter pictures. My boys are so anti picture takers. They always look so goofy in pictures. Our first family pictures. David looks dang good in his suit.

Fun Photos

2009-04-03T22:39:00.001-07:00

We went out to dinner, Beck and Ryan, my Mom, Jake and Megan and Me and David. We went to Carrabas. Here is my mom just thinking that dinner was so lovely and Ryan being lovey.

Newlyweds.....Oh yeah.

Oh yeah again.

Okay Jake! He was really enjoying his pizza.

Cutie Pie Tyler and Megan and Grandma

Family Photo.

Cameron making a shot. He is playing at the YMCA jr. suns basketball.

a few details.

2009-04-01T15:30:00.001-07:00

Here are a few details about our super fast wedding. We were originally going to get married in September. A few things changed, obviously. So we were going to elope somewhere in AZ, but I really thought Vegas sounded like a fun time. Anyway, it sort of happened so fast. I was on my way to Cottonwood to pick up David and I got a phone call from my sister in law, Laurie. She was asking if she could come to my wedding and I was so dang excited that she would drive down from SLC to be there. She brought my two neices, Bridgette and Maise. Laurie was our witness and that is why the picture is posted.

After I got off the phone with Laurie, my phone died. I didn't get all the texts and voice mails until later that night, after I was married. We were going to get dressed up, but ran out of time. So that is why we look like we traveled all day instead of nice and fresh and ready to get married. We got married about 11:00 pm. In the first picture, we are at the court house getting a license. The couple in the background were at the same wedding chapel as us too. Laurie was there witness too. She made the night so fun. After that all five of us went back to the hotel we were staying at, Luxor, and finally ate dinner. We were oddly entertained by these dancing men in a cage. I could totally dance better than there chest bumping action....Actually Laurie had their dances down pat.

The next morning all five of us went to the M&M factory and the Coke store. We got a few things for the kids and of course matching Coke shirts. What else would we drink?

not much

2009-03-31T21:13:00.001-07:00

So life has calmed down a bit. Not much else to say.

I watched the Biggest Loser tonight and I realized that I need to become a Biggest Loser again. I kind of plateaued on my weight loss. I just have those last pesky ten pounds to go to be at my goal. But hey, I will get there.

Vegas Baby!

2009-03-26T19:11:00.001-07:00

So by now I am sure that almost everyone has heard that David and I eloped in Vegas on Sunday, March 22. I know a few people in my family were so angry and treated us like we werent humans with feelings too. But so many others have been so excited for us and so accepting. I am so grateful for these welcoming arms. David didn't tell his family until after it happened and they just opened their arms to me and said, "Welcome to the family!" You can't get much better than that. Of course we know that there will be problems and of course we know that it won't be easy. But, unlike has been said before, David does have alot to offer our family. He already has. We feel complete. We gained two more kids into our mix. We are so happy. I love you David King! Here are a few pictures from our Vegas wedding! I have always thought it was terribly romantic to elope in Vegas. And so this was my idea....We had an awesome time and hope to go back soon and spend a little more time there.

Spring Break

2009-03-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

I LOVE THAT THICK CURLY HAIR!!!!!

Right back at you!

AWWW....We love to torment our sister!

Take my picture Mommy!!!

We went to Harkins and saw Race to Witch Mountain.....definately a little boy's movie. Kenzee was totally disinterested. She wanted a princess.

Melodee went on a cruise with the Bowles' family for Spring Break. So the other three felt really jipped that they didn't get to go, and I wanted to go see David, so we got a hotel room for the week and went back up to Cottonwood.....darn. We had a good time. But all the fun comes at a price...too much eating out and missing my daily workout routine has done a wonder on my body. I guess it's back to dieting and killing myself at the gym.

Cottonwood

2009-03-14T23:28:00.001-07:00

Today for our weekly family fun day we went up to Cottonwood to visit my boyfriend, David King, and his family. We had so much fun together. David's two children were there too so we were kind of like the Brady Bunch with three boys and three girls. But it was still a really fun day! Kenzee seems to always have an immediate bond with the grandpas. This is David's dad, Jim, holding Kenz while she talked his ear off about some toy she was holding.

Me and David

Jim has a horse named Harley. He was kind enough to take me and the kids to ride it and groom it. Melodee and Cameron didn't want to leave the Wii, so it was just Brandon and McKenzee and me that got to ride the horse.

So cute! Kenzee was too scared to even get on the horse until I did it first.

Just for fun

2009-03-07T15:50:00.000-08:00

I know I have been a bit of a downer lately. I am actually feeling better. Listening to Bon Jovi has that effect on me. So it is Saturday and every Saturday I try to do something fun with the kids so that they can still have happy family memories right now. Hopefully they are good memories and not just them fighting and me yelling at them to knock it off and be nice to each other......Today we went the zoo again with my friend Heidi....Love ya Heidi you are a life saver......This time I took all of the kidz unlike last time when I only took two. It was really a pleasant experience. Next time, I think Brandon and Cameron will actually listen to me when I tell them to wear socks with their shoes or they will get blisters....because they got blisters....HA I do know a thing or two....It was really funny when we were looking at the wild dogs and then they did get a little too wild. After all it is spring. I burst out laughing and told the kids it was time to move on and the guy next to me says,"I thought this was a G rated experience" Apparantly not in the spring.......

After the zoo, we went to 'old" McDonalds for lunch. I don't know why kids like that place so much. The food is pretty much nasty.....but hey, the kids played together and were happy for a whole HOUR!!!! and that is definately worth some nasty food.

Sunday

2009-03-01T20:12:00.001-08:00

This is my favorite place on earth.....Heber Chevron/Dairy Queen. Odd I know, but I have a million happy memories here. I ran into Boyd today and it was so good to talk to him.....I woke up this morning and I could not bare the depression that I felt. So I took a drive up to my most peaceful place...Heber. I miss Jill so much I just had to go see her. It was so awesome to talk to her. I did miss my sister's baby blessing and I am so sorry about that. I am so sorry to everyone right now...I just cannot function and I know I have hurt many people because of it. Mostly my children and my close family. On the way home, I discovered that driving 80mph and screaming Vindicated at the top of my lungs is very theraputic.
Of course I had to visit Jeremy, even if I am still angry at him. The mug is still there and the snow finally melted........I told Tiff I was going to the cemetery and she said, Tell Jeremy I said Hi.....what the heck tiff? BTW, he said Hi back...........
This pretty much sums up my internal anguish of the day.

Vent

2009-02-28T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am sorry but I have to vent again......I am just so full of emotions and it feels good to just put them into words on my blog for me to read later and say,"Wow. I was upset." I am so angry at Jeremy today. Just so angry. I know it's not his fault he died, but he got out easy. I lived for eleven years in hell too. He suffered physically beyond our comprehension. I suffered too. I watched him, wanting to be close to him, wanting to take his pain away, wanting to have a satisfying intimate husband and wife relationship and he just pushed me away over and over again. It hurt so bad. It hurts even worse now. He told a counsellor once that his goal was to sabbotage our marriage so I would leave him because I deserved better than what he could give me. Yeah I know, What the HECK? I am sitting here thinking, Why did I work so hard at something that he was trying to ruin?.....because where I am now sucks even worse than that did....that's why I stuck with it.

My kids all miss their daddy so much and I can't make it better for them except to just hold them when they cry. I want so much to have a passionate exciting relationship. Something that I haven't had in years. Everyone says,"just give it time" or "your turn will come" I want to tell all those people to SHUT UP!!!! Who wants to wait and hurt until that "magical" time comes! It's true that time does heal alot of wounds, but that does not help me any today. Here is a saying to remember when you don't know what to say to someone who is hurting....If you can only say something trite, don't say anything at all!

Fun Trip

2009-02-25T20:57:00.000-08:00

I took a short trip up north and saw this really old camera. I guess I just had to have a photo of it. I mean afterall, I drove all that way just to see it. I think it is funny that you can see the guy taking my picture in the reflection on the door. It was really nice to get away and drive. I thought about so many things. This past two weeks has been crazy! An emotional roller coaster for sure. Today was nice to drive and just try and forget about it and pretend I have it all put together. Although, I did get a few phone calls from children who were missing their mommy. Tomorrow the twins have science night at their school so I guess my time is out and mommy time is in. Mommy time is fun to do also.

Glasses

2009-02-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

So it looks like Mel is taking after me and had to get glasses in fifth grade. Only she is DANG cute! She is amazed at how much she can see. It cracks me up because I know exactly what she means. Maybe someday we will be lucky enough to have lasik. Until then I will stick to contacts and she can be a cutie patootie in her frames.

Fixed

2009-02-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah Rebecca!!!! My sister fixed my stinking blog so that comments can now be posted. Thank you!!!

Stressed

2009-02-19T07:16:00.000-08:00

I need to vent. Sometimes I feel like the computer is the only thing I can really talk to. It doesn't judge. It doesn't even care if I am irrational at times. I am sick today and I am pretty sure it is due to the stress, lack of sleep, and lack of eating that I have been doing. I want to get away for awhile, but I know that I will just have to come back and deal with things. I feel like crying, but that doesn't solve anything either. So computer here comes my venting, brace yourself.............

I am so stressed because obviously from my last post, I haven't been making good decisions lately. Nothing that would get me in trouble with the law or even my church standing, just a mental hospital. It is so hard trying to make the best choices for me and for my kids. My kids have various needs and just because something is better for one of them, it isn't the best for all four. Everyone tells me that I can't take care of my kids unless I take care of myself. Every mother knows that the mom is the last one to have their needs met. So I moved in with my parents thinking that it would be better for us. I think the only one who is doing better about that was me. My kids hate me for changing their lives. They let me know every chance they get. Which makes my life worse too. I don't even feel like I can get a job because the younger three have heart attacks every time I leave the room. They suffer abandonment issues according to my therapist. Being the only parent is a HUGE responsibility! I am so sorry for everyone who has the task of raising kids on their own. I pray for all of you! I at least have an awesome supportive family. They don't replace dad, but they love me and help me. My mom is the best at that.

I have awesome friends. They are the best. But they just don't replace that connection you can have with a man. I would love a guy to hold me and let me just melt in his arms so I don't have to remember my problems for awhile. Like that is what I envision every time I hear the song Fall. "Fall, go on and fall apart. Fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you everytime you Fall go on and loose it all. Every doubt every worry every fear, I'm right here. Baby fall " mmm good song. But who am I to think that I deserve to find love twice, when so many others are still looking for their first. How selfish is that! I may not have had the best marriage. But still, I had a marriage. Eleven years of not being alone. Eleven years of someone else to talk to. Eleven years of someone else to help make important decisions. What makes me think that I deserve any more than that? I don't know that I deserve it at all, but I sure would like it.

Stupid.

2009-02-18T16:38:00.000-08:00

If my kids ever read this they would be saying,"Mooommmm!! You said the S word". Brandon actually said to me today, "Mom, Cameron said the S word to me." I about did the S word in my pants so I asked him, "What's the S word?" Brandon said "He called me stupid." Ahhhh not the S word I was thinking. Good they are still young and innocent.

We all do stupid things in our lives. I don't think any one of us is exempt from the forces of the stupid bug. I seem to be catching the stupid virus lately. It seems I can't do anything that I don't regret doing about ten seconds later. Jeremy used to do enough stupid things for about an army of people, so I always felt like I was the one who had it together. NOT ANYMORE!!! I laid in bed last night trying with all the strength I could muster to turn back time just one day. It didn't work. When I finally fell asleep around 4:30 I prayed that when I woke up in two hours it would be Tuesday again. I think we all know that that prayer was not answered since unfortunately, Wednesday came. I think for everyone's sake, I should just move to Antartica and freeze to death with the penguins. If stupid is as stupid does, than I must be the stupidest person on the planet. Thanks for that confidence booster, Forest Gump! What did his momma know anyway?

What is also upsetting is that I was so busy making an ass out of myself this month that I didn't get to celebrate a huge milestone in my adult life. Don't read any further if you don't care.......So I watch the biggest loser religiously and I have since season 2 when my sexy man Matt won...but they talk about how many years it has been since they weighed less than 200 lbs or 300lbs and I celebrate for them. So here is my celebration: It has been 12 years since I weighed what I do now.....No way am I going to post my weight but lets just say I weigh as much now as I did in high school. I don't look exactly the same since gravity does take its toll and two c sections, stretch marks, hysterectomy, and gall bladder removed. but who the heck cares? I look awesome in my clothes. No one sees me naked anymore anyway.

I don't know why my blog won't let anyone post comments. I have heard that it won't from everyone. I am sorry because I would love to read all the comments that you have. I tried to fix it, but I am not seeing where the problem is. So anyone please email me your comments to saremy@hotmail.com. I just want to know that I still have friends.

Family BarBQ at Guerrero

2009-02-15T20:55:00.000-08:00

On Friday, we had a family BarBQ at Cameron and Brandon's school.

Grandma and the boys.

Kenzee enjoying her hot dog.

Melodee didn't get to go because she had to be at her school.

Our slumber party

2009-02-15T20:31:00.001-08:00

This is a quality photograph by a six year old......Me saying, "please give me back my camera."

Another quality six year old photograph.

Brandon and Kenzee watching their favorite movie, Elf!!!

Kyson, Cameron, Braxton, and Caden are geering up for the All Star game 2025

Tiffani and Ross, Tiff was reading me the obituaries about a person who was preceded in death by their dog. Who the crap puts that in their obituary?

Mel and Devon chillin upstairs watching Disney Channel....too mature to hang with the boys.

Weekend

2009-02-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

So this weekend was really fun. I didn't have any high expectations for valentines day, but it turned out to be totally fun. We came up to Heber Friday night so that the kids could go to Show Low Pool. They crack me up so bad. We live in the valley of endless swimming pools and they are begging me every day to take them up to Show Low pool. It was so fun and I wish I would have taken pictures but I was distracted because I was texting most of the night. Tiffani and her five boys came with us. It was kind of insane with two adults and ten kids. Tiff's five and my four and Mel brought a friend.

The best part though was when we were leaving. Tiff has four little boys under six, I have Brandon and Cameron who are six. They are too young to go in the mens dressing room alone. So we walked into the womens dressing room like we have everytime we go there, which is like a bizillion. This raunchy lady is in there, she doesn't say anything to me, but looks straight at Tiff and says, "Those boys are way too old to be in here with adult women!" Tiff says right back to her, "These boys are way to YOUNG to go in the mens room alone!" They fought back and forth until the lady finally went in the restroom stall to finish changing. Now, My boys look at least eight years old even though they arent. Tiff's boys look young. What the heck was her problem? They lady was waiting for us in the lobby and went at it with the check in girl and Tiff again. Way to go Tiff!!! You stick to your guns!!! You are awesome!

So then for Valentine's Day I was just going to stay and watch the kids, but Tiff insisted that I go out with her and Ross. She had tried to get me a date, but it didn't work out. So, Ross was the stuff with his two dates. He thought he was the luckiest guy with two women, until a guy at a different table shows up with three women. At the restaurant there were all these people staring. But we had a great laugh about it and it turned out to be better than expected. Thanks you guys!

Saturday

2009-02-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

This weekend is obviously Valentines Day. The kids and I are going to go up to Heber to celebrate their long weekend. When I promised them that we would go up there that weekend, I didnt' realize that it was Valentines day. After watching the couple on the news kiss and kiss and kiss and repeat the kissing for the news story that kissing is good for your health, I am really wanting to have a good kiss. Dang it, I guess the only kisses I will get that day will be sweet ones from my kids. It could be worse, I am sure. Unfortunately, no health boosting kisses for me this weekend. If anyone else gets some life boosting kisses please write about it to me in explicit detail. Omit nothing!!!!

Also, after seeing New in Town last weekend, I could really fall in love with a Harry Connick Jr. too~

movies

2009-02-05T20:33:00.000-08:00

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 94 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. Copy this list, go to your own blog, paste this as a post. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun.

(x ) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
() Pirates of the Caribbean
() Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
( ) Boondock Saints

Publish Post

() Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
( ) Airplane
Total: 3
(x) The Princess Bride
(x ) Anchorman
(x ) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
() White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 11
() Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x ) American Pie
(x ) American Pie 2
(x ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 14
(x)Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
() Little Black Book
() The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 21
(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
() Signs
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
(x) Robots
Total so far: 26
(x ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(x ) Joe Dirt
( ) KING KONG
Total so far: 32
(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
(x ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x ) Flubber
Total so far: 37
( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
() From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x ) The Whole Nine Yards
( x) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 40
(x ) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x ) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 45
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x ) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x ) Curious George (like 3times a week. One of Reeds favorites)
Total so far: 52
(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( )A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( x) My Boss's Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
( x) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 58
( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
() Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
( ) The Terminator
( ) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 63
(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
( x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
()The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far:75
() Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x ) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(x ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 80
(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x ) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 86
(x ) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x) Elf
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
() Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
( ) Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
( ) Army of Darkness (classic!!!)
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
( x) The Matrix
( x) The Matrix Reloaded
( x) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
( ) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
( ) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal

I had 103 total. I guess I haven't really seen that many , but it still seems like alot. They just didn't list most of the movies that I have seen.

FUN DAY TRIP

2009-01-31T20:50:00.001-08:00

Melodee, Kenzee, my friend Angie, and me went up to Heber today. We were so excited to be there. My boys didn't go because they spent the night at Danny's. Bless you Danny. You saint. We checked out to see if Jeremy's Thirst Buster mug was still on his grave and it was frozen to the ground. I don't think it will be going anywhere soon. Melodee was so mad when we had to leave so that is why she is a grouch in the first picture. We definately didn't see everyone that we wanted to see, so we are going back.

Okay

2009-01-20T20:34:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing better. I am okay with my new life. Jeremy was my life for almost twelve years. That isn't the easiest thing to wake up one morning and he is gone and my life changed forever. However, I did know it was coming. It was obvious that he was not going to make it much longer. I had been preparing my self for an early end of the marriage ever since I found out that he had Crohn's disease. You know we always preach preparedness. You can never fully prepare for the death of a loved one. I am okay with my new life. It is what it is. I could never get to where I am without my family and dear friends. I love going to the gym every morning. Two months ago I swore off excercise. I like it again. I love talking with my friends there. i am trying to get my mom to go now too. It would be good for her health too.

Jill I miss you!!! You are so awesome! I needed you and you were there for me. I hope you had just as much fun together as i did. I am so greatful to be close with Heidi again too. Joyce I love that we have always been able to be work out buddies. I would be lost with out my lifelong best friend my sister Rebecca. I am so greatful for Leah checking on me everyday even out of state. I miss you here. What is the deal? I show up and everyone leaves. .....I am so greatful to have my mom home again. Life is normal again. We can never express enough thanks to our moms. Nate calls me on his way home from work just to chat. I love you ALL!!! Thank you so much for being in my life!

Fun

2009-01-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

We try to do fun stuff at least once a week as a family. Today we went and saw Hotel for Dogs. It is a good movie. All the kids enjoyed it, especially Mel because she thinks that Jake T. Austin is super HOT!!! All four of the kids said their favorite part was when the foster parents fall into a dumpster full of doggie bags of poop and they say, "We are in deep doo doo". Of course they love the poop parts. I love taking my kids to the movie because they all enjoy it and we always have a good time together, as long as everyone has their own popcorn and soda and no one has to share. It is the one activity that all of us enjoy doing together.

Good bye Heber!

2009-01-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

We moved down to Mesa today. It was very emotional for me. I love Heber and I love the community! We will miss everything about Heber. Even the dang cold snow. I actually loved the adventures that the snow gave us. I hope we will meet again. I know I will be there every Memorial Day to visit Jeremy's grave. Hopefully by then we will have a decent grave marker for our Jeremy. Kenzee and I left Jeremy his famous pepsi mug. Kenzee said we were leaving a drink for her daddy in case he gets thirsty in his box.

Zoo trip

2009-01-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

We went to the zoo with my friend Heidi Anderson. Only Brandon and McKenzee went with me though. Melodee and Cameron spent the night at cousins and didnt' go. I bought McKenzee a leotard and she wouldn't wear it, so Melodee tried it on. It is a little snug but it is sad that Melodee can fit in it.

Brandon's surgery

2009-01-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

Brandon finally had surgery to drain that lump on his neck after like three weeks of it hurting him and three trips to the doctor.

Christmas Pictures

2009-01-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

Two months

2009-01-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

It's been two months since Jeremy passed away. I love that Rascal Flatts song, What hurts the most. The music video describes exactly how I feel. So does, Just a dream by Carrie Underwood.

Christmas seemed to last forever. I ended up taking Brandon to the ER on Christmas night. The abscess on his neck was getting worse. He was admitted and spent a week there. During that time, I had several anxiety attacks from the flood of emotions of memories of the endless hours I spent in hospital rooms with Jeremy. It was more than I could take. So my mom convinced me that it was time to move in with her. I agreed. I have loved my time in Heber. I love the friends that my children and I have made. But it is time to try and create a new normal for us. Normal in Heber was Jeremy there. It hasn't been the same since he left and it never will. I am going back to pack up and then we are moving to Mesa. I don't really know how I feel about it. I just feel like I want to disappear. I did, however, find that driving the freeways of Phoenix is very theraputic. I have done it twice and there is a healing feeling from driving fast with the radio blaring. Luckily gas prices have dropped.

Memories of Jeremy

2008-12-20T18:08:00.000-08:00

Everyone asks me how I am doing lately. I have so many feelings going on right now. I would like to just share a few of them and let them out. This is how I am doing. I lost my best friend, my true love, my soul mate on November 3rd, 2008. I don't know how to act since he left. I don't know where I fit in. Everything reminds me of him. I think of him all day everyday. It hurts so bad. I dont' know what my plans are yet for the future.

Jeremy George Bowles asked me out on a date for April 4, 1997. I thought he was the goofiest man I had ever met. Ever since then I haven't spent a day without talking, texting, or being with him. He was the funniest guy ever. What made him so funny was that he didn't try to be.
Jeremy wasnt' the best at math. Shortly after we were married, Jeremy was going to microwave a burrito. He said, "Sara these are the best if you cook them for eighty seconds". I replied, " Eighty seconds, really? What about a minute twenty seconds?" He said,"No. That's too long. Eighty seconds.........Why are you laughing?"

Jeremy loved Christmas! He was the one that decorated the tree, wrapped all the presents, and made sure that the kids would know that Santa was real. He went out of his way to wrap the "santa" presents in different wrapping paper with different handwriting. He was so quirky, it was awesome! He was so excited Christmas morning that he would video the entire Christmas morning. We always thought those were the most boring home videos, but they were his favs.I didn't want to put up my tree or decorate my house. Luckily, my friend Jill came to my rescue and did that stuff for me.
Jeremy loved me unconditionally. He saw me as a beautiful woman even when I was a fat cow. After I had our twins, I was 190 lbs. Jeremy swears that I was as beautiful as the day we met and he meant it. My least favorite part of my body is my butt. Ironically, that was Jeremy's favorite part of my body. I always felt special when he was around. I miss him so much. I miss feeling that special feeling when he was around. I love you Jeremy! I will love you forever!

Just playing around

2008-12-20T18:00:00.000-08:00

Brandon had to come to work with me and we were playing around with the camera. It was snowing that day so I took a few pictures of the snow coming down too. My coworker Kirk is the mountain man looking dude.

A HUGE THANK YOU!!!!

2008-12-18T20:57:00.000-08:00

I want to thank everyone with all my heart for all the outpouring of love and support that I have received since Jeremy passed away! I cannot find the words to express my gratitude for the service, the donations, prayers, and love that have come my way. So many wonderful people have sent me cards and donations. Strangers even. The benefit garage sale was such a huge success! My wonderful community packed the Dairy Queen fundraiser! I hope Jeremy knows how much people love him and his family. I just can't even find the words. I can't thank you enough. I pray every night that the Lord will bless those who have blessed me so much. I also pray that I may bless others as I have been so blessed. I know that even in these hard economic times, that we can still give of ourselves to improve the lives of others.

Brandon

2008-12-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

So I had flashbacks of taking Jeremy to the hospital this week. It was very nerve racking. I was ready to run away. Brandon had a lump on his neck. His doctor said it is a swollen lymph node. I feel so bad for the boy, he has been home all week from school because it hurts him so bad. He is starting to feel better today. He has been taking tylenol with codeine for the pain and that kid is hilarious when he has had a dose. He comes up with the most random things. What a crack up. I am so glad he is finally feeling better, maybe I will actually get some sleep.

first time

2008-12-18T20:30:00.001-08:00

So this is my first post. I don't even have any body to view it but here we are.