Cottonwood

Today for our weekly family fun day we went up to Cottonwood to visit my boyfriend, David King, and his family. We had so much fun together. David's two children were there too so we were kind of like the Brady Bunch with three boys and three girls. But it was still a really fun day! Kenzee seems to always have an immediate bond with the grandpas. This is David's dad, Jim, holding Kenz while she talked his ear off about some toy she was holding.

Me and David

Jim has a horse named Harley. He was kind enough to take me and the kids to ride it and groom it. Melodee and Cameron didn't want to leave the Wii, so it was just Brandon and McKenzee and me that got to ride the horse.

So cute! Kenzee was too scared to even get on the horse until I did it first.

Just for fun

I know I have been a bit of a downer lately. I am actually feeling better. Listening to Bon Jovi has that effect on me. So it is Saturday and every Saturday I try to do something fun with the kids so that they can still have happy family memories right now. Hopefully they are good memories and not just them fighting and me yelling at them to knock it off and be nice to each other......Today we went the zoo again with my friend Heidi....Love ya Heidi you are a life saver......This time I took all of the kidz unlike last time when I only took two. It was really a pleasant experience. Next time, I think Brandon and Cameron will actually listen to me when I tell them to wear socks with their shoes or they will get blisters....because they got blisters....HA I do know a thing or two....It was really funny when we were looking at the wild dogs and then they did get a little too wild. After all it is spring. I burst out laughing and told the kids it was time to move on and the guy next to me says,"I thought this was a G rated experience" Apparantly not in the spring.......

After the zoo, we went to 'old" McDonalds for lunch. I don't know why kids like that place so much. The food is pretty much nasty.....but hey, the kids played together and were happy for a whole HOUR!!!! and that is definately worth some nasty food.

Sunday

This is my favorite place on earth.....Heber Chevron/Dairy Queen. Odd I know, but I have a million happy memories here. I ran into Boyd today and it was so good to talk to him.....I woke up this morning and I could not bare the depression that I felt. So I took a drive up to my most peaceful place...Heber. I miss Jill so much I just had to go see her. It was so awesome to talk to her. I did miss my sister's baby blessing and I am so sorry about that. I am so sorry to everyone right now...I just cannot function and I know I have hurt many people because of it. Mostly my children and my close family. On the way home, I discovered that driving 80mph and screaming Vindicated at the top of my lungs is very theraputic.
Of course I had to visit Jeremy, even if I am still angry at him. The mug is still there and the snow finally melted........I told Tiff I was going to the cemetery and she said, Tell Jeremy I said Hi.....what the heck tiff? BTW, he said Hi back...........
This pretty much sums up my internal anguish of the day.

Vent

I am sorry but I have to vent again......I am just so full of emotions and it feels good to just put them into words on my blog for me to read later and say,"Wow. I was upset." I am so angry at Jeremy today. Just so angry. I know it's not his fault he died, but he got out easy. I lived for eleven years in hell too. He suffered physically beyond our comprehension. I suffered too. I watched him, wanting to be close to him, wanting to take his pain away, wanting to have a satisfying intimate husband and wife relationship and he just pushed me away over and over again. It hurt so bad. It hurts even worse now. He told a counsellor once that his goal was to sabbotage our marriage so I would leave him because I deserved better than what he could give me. Yeah I know, What the HECK? I am sitting here thinking, Why did I work so hard at something that he was trying to ruin?.....because where I am now sucks even worse than that did....that's why I stuck with it.

My kids all miss their daddy so much and I can't make it better for them except to just hold them when they cry. I want so much to have a passionate exciting relationship. Something that I haven't had in years. Everyone says,"just give it time" or "your turn will come" I want to tell all those people to SHUT UP!!!! Who wants to wait and hurt until that "magical" time comes! It's true that time does heal alot of wounds, but that does not help me any today. Here is a saying to remember when you don't know what to say to someone who is hurting....If you can only say something trite, don't say anything at all!

Fun Trip

I took a short trip up north and saw this really old camera. I guess I just had to have a photo of it. I mean afterall, I drove all that way just to see it. I think it is funny that you can see the guy taking my picture in the reflection on the door. It was really nice to get away and drive. I thought about so many things. This past two weeks has been crazy! An emotional roller coaster for sure. Today was nice to drive and just try and forget about it and pretend I have it all put together. Although, I did get a few phone calls from children who were missing their mommy. Tomorrow the twins have science night at their school so I guess my time is out and mommy time is in. Mommy time is fun to do also.

Glasses

So it looks like Mel is taking after me and had to get glasses in fifth grade. Only she is DANG cute! She is amazed at how much she can see. It cracks me up because I know exactly what she means. Maybe someday we will be lucky enough to have lasik. Until then I will stick to contacts and she can be a cutie patootie in her frames.

Fixed

Yeah Rebecca!!!! My sister fixed my stinking blog so that comments can now be posted. Thank you!!!