Fight

I am coming out to everyone who reads my blog. I asked for help, but now I just want to share the pain. NO, I am not a lesbian. But I am a bulimic. I have started telling people because I need help. I know people think, well just stop, Sara. Believe me, I have tried to just stop, but I can't. This is bigger than me. Its not like when I just stopped drinking those heavenly delicious frozen cappucinos. This is bigger than that and I need help. Let me just describe the fight that goes on in my head every day.
I wake up and think, should I eat breakfast or just skip it. Usually I decide to skip it until I get to circle K and get a twenty cent banana and a diet coke. No problem, those are less than 150 calories. Okay, I can handle 150 calories. No big deal. Then lunch comes around, I am weak and tired and shaking because I need to eat. So I go to Circle K and look through every isle examining how many calories each item has and decide on 90 calorie lunch meat a bag of pretzels and maybe another banana. That's almost 400 calories. I get back to work and scarf it down because I am starving and shaking. Okay, I am good. About twenty minutes later, I start panicking and worrying about my hips getting bigger or my thighs. I try and calm myself and say, it's ok. You can burn it off later on the elliptical. But then I think, What if I don't have time tonight to work out? This fight goes on in my head after every meal. I finally give in and down a liter of water, wait about a minute and then go and empty my stomach. Relief from the fight in my head. Relief from the fear of gaining weight. But not relief from the torture to my body.
I struggled with this problem in high school, but managed to put it behind me until Jeremy died. Then it made its way back into my life again. I am always tired. I am always weak. But most of all there is a constant struggle in my head that consumes my thoughts. If anyone else struggles with the same thing, please comment. (everyone else too)

Depressed

I use my blog to vent. I am sorry if I upset or offend people. If you don't want to be upset or offended by my personal feelings, please stop reading. I thought I was depressed after Jeremy died. I was. I was so depressed that I did some crazy whacked out stuff. I am even more depressed now. Most of it is from all the crazy whacked out stuff that I did. I don't really dwell on it, but I do feel stuck. I know all that stuff isn't where happiness comes from. I know that happiness comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. I try and pray. I am doing better and feeling more comfortable in praying. But, I am still so depressed. I still feel so overwhelmed by the mountains in front of me. I do pretty good during the day, but after work I come home and fall apart. I just can't hold it together anymore. I thought David would be a strength to me and he wasn't. He was falling apart just as much as I was. I just have to be a strength to myself.

My brother Sam was texting me early this morning while I was getting ready for work. He will never know how much that helped me. I wasnt' going to get out of bed this morning. I just wanted to lay there all day and zone out. But, it was McKenzee's first day back at daycare and she was so excited to go, so I dragged myself into the shower. When I got out there was a text from Sam. He helped me realize that I have a good quality right now. I may be poor, but I am only poor because I am reliable and pay my bills. In today's market, I am one of the rare people with amazingly good credit. That may sound stupid, but today it gave me the positive boost I needed to get my fat lazy butt out of bed and go to work.

My sister called me last night. She seems to know when I am lonely and depressed. I apologize Lerbis, for being a bitter lonely depressed hag last night. I know you are trying to help, but I don't know what I need. I love you.

My little men

Cameron has stepped up to be the man of the house. Kenzee's training wheel broke off. So while I was at work, Cameron found Jeremy's tool box. Got out the wrench and took of the training wheel frame part. I drove up from work and found them outside "fixing" the bike. Too cute!

Dream

I had a dream about Jeremy Sunday night. He was porceline looking and I knew he was an angel, but I hugged him and I could feel him as if he were there and not in my dream. His chest was bare and it was perfect. Scar free and perfect. He told me he would never leave me. And he gave me the courage to make the change in my life that I needed. I have been so scared to raise my four kids alone that I rushed at the speed of light, into a marriage that neither of us was ready for. I know I am not alone in raising my babies. I have so many wonderful friends. I have my parents and I have Jeremy helping from above. I never have enough energy for them, but I do have enough love. Thank you so much to everyone. Jill, thank you for calling me all the time, it seems, right when I am falling apart, you are always there. Emily, thank you so much for texting me at all hours of the night. Tiffani, thank you for dropping everything and getting my kids because they are scared of the lightning. Rebecca, thank you for not saying "I told you so", even though you had every right. Mom and Dad, thank you for everything. David, thank you for loving me enough to leave me. Most of all thank you Melodee, Brandon, Cameron, and McKenzee for being forgiving of your crazy mother. I need to grieve Jeremy's loss. I never did. I just went numb. I need to be Sara, and I need to take care of myself.

Birthday Photos

McKenzee's 4th Birthday at the cabin. July 5th

We had cake and ice cream on Sunday July 12th after Brandon and Melz got home from camping. The chocolate cake is Brandon's

The banana cake is Cameron's.

The seven layer bean dip and Tostitos are David's.

Camping

First of all, I went camping once when I was four or five. I don't remember it at all. That was the only time my family went camping as a kid. We never went again because it was a horrible experience. I didn't go to girls camp. I am not a roughing it kind of person. I live in Heber/Overgaard. Life is camping to me. So.......My boys birthday was Saturday, July 11. For their birthday last year, we took their cake and few presents down to the hospital and spent it with their dad in his hospital bed. Grandpa Jim wanted to make this a better birthday for those boys. HE DID! They won't ever forget it.

Friday, Jim came and picked the kids up at about 11:30. David waited for me to get off of work and we drove up together. It rained Friday night so we all slept in the fifth wheel. Early the next morning, Jim took the twins fishing at Reservation Lake. Mel and I went for a jog around the woods. We got back and got ready and went to look for the boys. We drove around for over an hour looking for them. Of course there was no service for our cell phones so we never found them and went back to the trailer. They showed up about an hour later and said they went to a different lake. Cameron was whining because he didn't catch any fish, but Brandon caught one. They ate it for dinner that night. David wasn't feeling good and I didn't sleep a wink the night before, so we took Kenz and Camme home. Mel and Brandon stayed with Grandpa and they slept Saturday night in a tent. Camme was worried about bears so he wanted to leave. Grandpa and Brandon didn't get attacked by a bear, just an elk. Brandon caught a total of three fish. So we know who will save us from starvation.

They want to go again. Thank you Grandpa Jim!!!

Vacation

I need a vacation! Who wants to go with me? No kids, no phones, no men. Just relaxing and having a hot tan muscular man rub oil on our bodies while we tan ourselves in our bikinis on a sunny beach. Occasionally sip our icy drinks to keep us cool.... right. In my dreams. Well maybe someday, just not today.