Memorial Day

Last Memorial Day, little Carissa Gwen Hall passed away. Six months later, my husband Jeremy passed away. I have a lot to remember this Memorial day. I was drifting off to sleep tonight and started dreaming that it was November 1st again. That was such a happy day. I went to Payson with the kids to go grocery shopping. While we were on the way there, Jeremy called from Banner Baywood and said that he was getting released that day. He had his mom bring him up to Payson where we picked him up at the MacDonalds there. It was such a crisp day. The sun was shining, the air smelt so clean of fall. We didn't even need our jackets. The kids played and Jeremy looked the best that he had in months. He could walk with out assistance. He wasn't shaking uncontrollably. We were all happy to see our Jeremy. Then I flashed to November3rd.....Jeremy on the couch. The first Brady bunch episode playing on the television. I turned off the tv and looked at Jeremy, arms folded on across his chest, cold stiff with his mouth gaping open....not breathing. Very peaceful, but very wrong.... He had been that way for hours. The reading light was still left on. He always turned it off. He always turned off the tv. He was very OCD, didn't miss any details. My heart felt like it had stopped. I checked for a pulse, all I could feel was my own. I knew he was dead.........I hugged him and started crying, "I am so happy for you! I am so happy for you!" Then I called 911. .....

That morning lasted forever. Time had no meaning. A huge part of me died that morning too. I have been trying to figure out who I am for the past six or seven months. I have made so many mistakes since that day, trying to run away from the pain. I cannot explain the intense pain that comes from losing your soulmate. But, I know that the crazy decisions that I have made have hurt those who I love the most. I am so sorry. I am so grateful for your continual love dispite the choices I have made. I don't want to do the things that remind me of Jeremy. I need to do those things again, like go to church. My kids are starting to notice that they want that back in their lives. Cameron asked me this morning to go to church. Thank you to Grandma, my mom, for giving them that stability that they needed when I was unable/unwilling.

Feelings

So I just need to vent again on this Mother's Day. It was a good day. My kids were super sweet with their cards and hugs. I loved them! Cameron even wrote a card in Spanish. How cute......I just have been feeling again. The numbness has wore off. I have been being really short fused with everyone I know. It hasn't been fair. I haven't been being fair to anyone.