ASU

So when I came to a crossroad in life in August, I decided that I needed to finish my education. I started at ASU on January 19th. It is kind of odd being there and I have to remind myself that I am like ten years older than most of these kids. I am feeling like I am young again. I guess since I had to grow old in my twenties, because of the experiences that life threw at me, that I get to experience youth in my thirties. Yay! I think the biggest adjustment is that I realized that I am not "needed" as much as I used to be. EVERYONE depended on me to do everything for them. Jeremy, Melodee, Kenz, the twins.....now they are way more independent than they used to be. They are more stable and aren't leaching on me all the freakin time. Karl doesn't need me to do everything for him. He is quite healthy and capable of sustaining life with out me. It leaves me with all this time to focus on my school work.......strange how that works out. At least I still need me.

Happy New Year!!!

I am so relieved to say good-bye to 2009. I hope to make the most of 2010. It is looking promising for now. I start school on Jan. 19. My kids have settled into their new lives. They are so happy to have their mom back. 2009 I flipped out and I have finally come back. I am working through the consequences of my actions from this past year. Its not easy and I still have set backs. We are so lucky to have Karl. He is awesome! He needs to desensitize his sense of smell or he might die from little boy smell and urine. I am going to go make some cookies, they sound super delish right now.

One Year

I can't believe it, but it has been a whole year since Jeremy passed. This year feels completely unreal. Like someone else was living my life and it totally was not me. It really wasn't me at all. I have changed in so many ways. Some good, some not so good, some wrong. I have just been going on instinct most of the year, and today it all caught up with me. I started feeling that hopeless careless depressed feeling that I felt last year. The odd thing is that things around me aren't hopeless. I have so much going for me and my family. I dont understand why I feel this way, when now I have everything that I had been hoping for. Human emotions are so incredibly odd that way.

I realize that I am an extremely lucky woman to have three husbands in one year. Who else in the world has had the love of three men in one year. I realize running off to Vegas was just a moment of insanity and rebellion, but hey, we all do crazy things in our lives, right?

It is so odd that Karl and I reconnected right at the time that we did. Crazy how things work out the way that they do. Karl took yesterday off of work to be with me. He didn't want me to do anything stupid, and I probably would have, had he not been there. Thank you Karl. I love you.

On a side note----I feel like the stupidest person. I finally took my explorer to the car wash to have Heber washed off of it. I wanted to get it vacuumed and the seats shampooed. I had the same thing done to my taurus and it was like 40.00. So I was expecting to pay around the same price. I took it somewhere different and find out it is 150.00. I was feeling stupid about that, but even stupider when I waited 3 freaking hours for it to get done. It was 3:30 and I needed to go pick up the twins from the bus stop so I went over to the people and demanded I have it back now because I had to leave. Only to find out that nothing had been done on the inside of my car!!! I unleashed my anger on this poor man. Melodee said,"mom I was scared, you went psycho"

October 17 2009

Karl Hermann came into my life about 14 years ago, when he took a job as the drumline instructor of my marching band. I thought he was really cute and tried to get him to notice me, but he was not interested in looking at high school girls. The next year though, I realized he at least noticed me enough to recognize me at the institute building at MCC. We hung out quite a bit my freshman year, but never really hooked up. We reconnected on facebook in August and got together to catch up. We both knew immediately that there was a connection between us. Odd timing, but went for it anyway.

These are photos from our wedding on October 17. It was so neat to have the kids be a part of our wedding. It was a special day for our whole new family.

Wrestling Camp Time again.

Cameron is in th white shirt. They were doing front rolls down the mat

Cameron taking one of his many water breaks.

HI MOMMY!!!!

Fight

I am coming out to everyone who reads my blog. I asked for help, but now I just want to share the pain. NO, I am not a lesbian. But I am a bulimic. I have started telling people because I need help. I know people think, well just stop, Sara. Believe me, I have tried to just stop, but I can't. This is bigger than me. Its not like when I just stopped drinking those heavenly delicious frozen cappucinos. This is bigger than that and I need help. Let me just describe the fight that goes on in my head every day.
I wake up and think, should I eat breakfast or just skip it. Usually I decide to skip it until I get to circle K and get a twenty cent banana and a diet coke. No problem, those are less than 150 calories. Okay, I can handle 150 calories. No big deal. Then lunch comes around, I am weak and tired and shaking because I need to eat. So I go to Circle K and look through every isle examining how many calories each item has and decide on 90 calorie lunch meat a bag of pretzels and maybe another banana. That's almost 400 calories. I get back to work and scarf it down because I am starving and shaking. Okay, I am good. About twenty minutes later, I start panicking and worrying about my hips getting bigger or my thighs. I try and calm myself and say, it's ok. You can burn it off later on the elliptical. But then I think, What if I don't have time tonight to work out? This fight goes on in my head after every meal. I finally give in and down a liter of water, wait about a minute and then go and empty my stomach. Relief from the fight in my head. Relief from the fear of gaining weight. But not relief from the torture to my body.
I struggled with this problem in high school, but managed to put it behind me until Jeremy died. Then it made its way back into my life again. I am always tired. I am always weak. But most of all there is a constant struggle in my head that consumes my thoughts. If anyone else struggles with the same thing, please comment. (everyone else too)

Depressed

I use my blog to vent. I am sorry if I upset or offend people. If you don't want to be upset or offended by my personal feelings, please stop reading. I thought I was depressed after Jeremy died. I was. I was so depressed that I did some crazy whacked out stuff. I am even more depressed now. Most of it is from all the crazy whacked out stuff that I did. I don't really dwell on it, but I do feel stuck. I know all that stuff isn't where happiness comes from. I know that happiness comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. I try and pray. I am doing better and feeling more comfortable in praying. But, I am still so depressed. I still feel so overwhelmed by the mountains in front of me. I do pretty good during the day, but after work I come home and fall apart. I just can't hold it together anymore. I thought David would be a strength to me and he wasn't. He was falling apart just as much as I was. I just have to be a strength to myself.

My brother Sam was texting me early this morning while I was getting ready for work. He will never know how much that helped me. I wasnt' going to get out of bed this morning. I just wanted to lay there all day and zone out. But, it was McKenzee's first day back at daycare and she was so excited to go, so I dragged myself into the shower. When I got out there was a text from Sam. He helped me realize that I have a good quality right now. I may be poor, but I am only poor because I am reliable and pay my bills. In today's market, I am one of the rare people with amazingly good credit. That may sound stupid, but today it gave me the positive boost I needed to get my fat lazy butt out of bed and go to work.

My sister called me last night. She seems to know when I am lonely and depressed. I apologize Lerbis, for being a bitter lonely depressed hag last night. I know you are trying to help, but I don't know what I need. I love you.