Saturday, February 28, 2009


I am sorry but I have to vent again......I am just so full of emotions and it feels good to just put them into words on my blog for me to read later and say,"Wow. I was upset." I am so angry at Jeremy today. Just so angry. I know it's not his fault he died, but he got out easy. I lived for eleven years in hell too. He suffered physically beyond our comprehension. I suffered too. I watched him, wanting to be close to him, wanting to take his pain away, wanting to have a satisfying intimate husband and wife relationship and he just pushed me away over and over again. It hurt so bad. It hurts even worse now. He told a counsellor once that his goal was to sabbotage our marriage so I would leave him because I deserved better than what he could give me. Yeah I know, What the HECK? I am sitting here thinking, Why did I work so hard at something that he was trying to ruin?.....because where I am now sucks even worse than that did....that's why I stuck with it.

My kids all miss their daddy so much and I can't make it better for them except to just hold them when they cry. I want so much to have a passionate exciting relationship. Something that I haven't had in years. Everyone says,"just give it time" or "your turn will come" I want to tell all those people to SHUT UP!!!! Who wants to wait and hurt until that "magical" time comes! It's true that time does heal alot of wounds, but that does not help me any today. Here is a saying to remember when you don't know what to say to someone who is hurting....If you can only say something trite, don't say anything at all!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Fun Trip

I took a short trip up north and saw this really old camera. I guess I just had to have a photo of it. I mean afterall, I drove all that way just to see it. I think it is funny that you can see the guy taking my picture in the reflection on the door. It was really nice to get away and drive. I thought about so many things. This past two weeks has been crazy! An emotional roller coaster for sure. Today was nice to drive and just try and forget about it and pretend I have it all put together. Although, I did get a few phone calls from children who were missing their mommy. Tomorrow the twins have science night at their school so I guess my time is out and mommy time is in. Mommy time is fun to do also.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


So it looks like Mel is taking after me and had to get glasses in fifth grade. Only she is DANG cute! She is amazed at how much she can see. It cracks me up because I know exactly what she means. Maybe someday we will be lucky enough to have lasik. Until then I will stick to contacts and she can be a cutie patootie in her frames.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Yeah Rebecca!!!! My sister fixed my stinking blog so that comments can now be posted. Thank you!!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I need to vent. Sometimes I feel like the computer is the only thing I can really talk to. It doesn't judge. It doesn't even care if I am irrational at times. I am sick today and I am pretty sure it is due to the stress, lack of sleep, and lack of eating that I have been doing. I want to get away for awhile, but I know that I will just have to come back and deal with things. I feel like crying, but that doesn't solve anything either. So computer here comes my venting, brace yourself.............

I am so stressed because obviously from my last post, I haven't been making good decisions lately. Nothing that would get me in trouble with the law or even my church standing, just a mental hospital. It is so hard trying to make the best choices for me and for my kids. My kids have various needs and just because something is better for one of them, it isn't the best for all four. Everyone tells me that I can't take care of my kids unless I take care of myself. Every mother knows that the mom is the last one to have their needs met. So I moved in with my parents thinking that it would be better for us. I think the only one who is doing better about that was me. My kids hate me for changing their lives. They let me know every chance they get. Which makes my life worse too. I don't even feel like I can get a job because the younger three have heart attacks every time I leave the room. They suffer abandonment issues according to my therapist. Being the only parent is a HUGE responsibility! I am so sorry for everyone who has the task of raising kids on their own. I pray for all of you! I at least have an awesome supportive family. They don't replace dad, but they love me and help me. My mom is the best at that.

I have awesome friends. They are the best. But they just don't replace that connection you can have with a man. I would love a guy to hold me and let me just melt in his arms so I don't have to remember my problems for awhile. Like that is what I envision every time I hear the song Fall. "Fall, go on and fall apart. Fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you everytime you Fall go on and loose it all. Every doubt every worry every fear, I'm right here. Baby fall " mmm good song. But who am I to think that I deserve to find love twice, when so many others are still looking for their first. How selfish is that! I may not have had the best marriage. But still, I had a marriage. Eleven years of not being alone. Eleven years of someone else to talk to. Eleven years of someone else to help make important decisions. What makes me think that I deserve any more than that? I don't know that I deserve it at all, but I sure would like it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


If my kids ever read this they would be saying,"Mooommmm!! You said the S word". Brandon actually said to me today, "Mom, Cameron said the S word to me." I about did the S word in my pants so I asked him, "What's the S word?" Brandon said "He called me stupid." Ahhhh not the S word I was thinking. Good they are still young and innocent.

We all do stupid things in our lives. I don't think any one of us is exempt from the forces of the stupid bug. I seem to be catching the stupid virus lately. It seems I can't do anything that I don't regret doing about ten seconds later. Jeremy used to do enough stupid things for about an army of people, so I always felt like I was the one who had it together. NOT ANYMORE!!! I laid in bed last night trying with all the strength I could muster to turn back time just one day. It didn't work. When I finally fell asleep around 4:30 I prayed that when I woke up in two hours it would be Tuesday again. I think we all know that that prayer was not answered since unfortunately, Wednesday came. I think for everyone's sake, I should just move to Antartica and freeze to death with the penguins. If stupid is as stupid does, than I must be the stupidest person on the planet. Thanks for that confidence booster, Forest Gump! What did his momma know anyway?

What is also upsetting is that I was so busy making an ass out of myself this month that I didn't get to celebrate a huge milestone in my adult life. Don't read any further if you don't care.......So I watch the biggest loser religiously and I have since season 2 when my sexy man Matt won...but they talk about how many years it has been since they weighed less than 200 lbs or 300lbs and I celebrate for them. So here is my celebration: It has been 12 years since I weighed what I do now.....No way am I going to post my weight but lets just say I weigh as much now as I did in high school. I don't look exactly the same since gravity does take its toll and two c sections, stretch marks, hysterectomy, and gall bladder removed. but who the heck cares? I look awesome in my clothes. No one sees me naked anymore anyway.

I don't know why my blog won't let anyone post comments. I have heard that it won't from everyone. I am sorry because I would love to read all the comments that you have. I tried to fix it, but I am not seeing where the problem is. So anyone please email me your comments to I just want to know that I still have friends.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Family BarBQ at Guerrero

On Friday, we had a family BarBQ at Cameron and Brandon's school.

Grandma and the boys.
Kenzee enjoying her hot dog.

Melodee didn't get to go because she had to be at her school.

Our slumber party

This is a quality photograph by a six year old......Me saying, "please give me back my camera."

Another quality six year old photograph.

Brandon and Kenzee watching their favorite movie, Elf!!!

Kyson, Cameron, Braxton, and Caden are geering up for the All Star game 2025

Tiffani and Ross, Tiff was reading me the obituaries about a person who was preceded in death by their dog. Who the crap puts that in their obituary?

Mel and Devon chillin upstairs watching Disney Channel....too mature to hang with the boys.


So this weekend was really fun. I didn't have any high expectations for valentines day, but it turned out to be totally fun. We came up to Heber Friday night so that the kids could go to Show Low Pool. They crack me up so bad. We live in the valley of endless swimming pools and they are begging me every day to take them up to Show Low pool. It was so fun and I wish I would have taken pictures but I was distracted because I was texting most of the night. Tiffani and her five boys came with us. It was kind of insane with two adults and ten kids. Tiff's five and my four and Mel brought a friend.

The best part though was when we were leaving. Tiff has four little boys under six, I have Brandon and Cameron who are six. They are too young to go in the mens dressing room alone. So we walked into the womens dressing room like we have everytime we go there, which is like a bizillion. This raunchy lady is in there, she doesn't say anything to me, but looks straight at Tiff and says, "Those boys are way too old to be in here with adult women!" Tiff says right back to her, "These boys are way to YOUNG to go in the mens room alone!" They fought back and forth until the lady finally went in the restroom stall to finish changing. Now, My boys look at least eight years old even though they arent. Tiff's boys look young. What the heck was her problem? They lady was waiting for us in the lobby and went at it with the check in girl and Tiff again. Way to go Tiff!!! You stick to your guns!!! You are awesome!

So then for Valentine's Day I was just going to stay and watch the kids, but Tiff insisted that I go out with her and Ross. She had tried to get me a date, but it didn't work out. So, Ross was the stuff with his two dates. He thought he was the luckiest guy with two women, until a guy at a different table shows up with three women. At the restaurant there were all these people staring. But we had a great laugh about it and it turned out to be better than expected. Thanks you guys!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


This weekend is obviously Valentines Day. The kids and I are going to go up to Heber to celebrate their long weekend. When I promised them that we would go up there that weekend, I didnt' realize that it was Valentines day. After watching the couple on the news kiss and kiss and kiss and repeat the kissing for the news story that kissing is good for your health, I am really wanting to have a good kiss. Dang it, I guess the only kisses I will get that day will be sweet ones from my kids. It could be worse, I am sure. Unfortunately, no health boosting kisses for me this weekend. If anyone else gets some life boosting kisses please write about it to me in explicit detail. Omit nothing!!!!

Also, after seeing New in Town last weekend, I could really fall in love with a Harry Connick Jr. too~

Thursday, February 5, 2009


SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 94 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. Copy this list, go to your own blog, paste this as a post. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun.

(x ) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
() Pirates of the Caribbean
() Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
( ) Boondock Saints

() Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
( ) Airplane
Total: 3
(x) The Princess Bride
(x ) Anchorman
(x ) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
() White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 11
() Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x ) American Pie
(x ) American Pie 2
(x ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 14
(x)Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
() Little Black Book
() The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 21
(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
() Signs
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
(x) Robots
Total so far: 26
(x ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(x ) Joe Dirt
Total so far: 32
(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
(x ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x ) Flubber
Total so far: 37
( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
() From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x ) The Whole Nine Yards
( x) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 40
(x ) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x ) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 45
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x ) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x ) Curious George (like 3times a week. One of Reeds favorites)
Total so far: 52
(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( )A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( x) My Boss's Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
( x) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 58
( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
() Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
( ) The Terminator
( ) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 63
(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
( x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
()The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far:75
() Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x ) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(x ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 80
(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x ) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 86
(x ) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x) Elf
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
() Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
( ) Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
( ) Army of Darkness (classic!!!)
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
( x) The Matrix
( x) The Matrix Reloaded
( x) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
( ) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
( ) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal

I had 103 total. I guess I haven't really seen that many , but it still seems like alot. They just didn't list most of the movies that I have seen.