I am so relieved to say good-bye to 2009. I hope to make the most of 2010. It is looking promising for now. I start school on Jan. 19. My kids have settled into their new lives. They are so happy to have their mom back. 2009 I flipped out and I have finally come back. I am working through the consequences of my actions from this past year. Its not easy and I still have set backs. We are so lucky to have Karl. He is awesome! He needs to desensitize his sense of smell or he might die from little boy smell and urine. I am going to go make some cookies, they sound super delish right now.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I can't believe it, but it has been a whole year since Jeremy passed. This year feels completely unreal. Like someone else was living my life and it totally was not me. It really wasn't me at all. I have changed in so many ways. Some good, some not so good, some wrong. I have just been going on instinct most of the year, and today it all caught up with me. I started feeling that hopeless careless depressed feeling that I felt last year. The odd thing is that things around me aren't hopeless. I have so much going for me and my family. I dont understand why I feel this way, when now I have everything that I had been hoping for. Human emotions are so incredibly odd that way.
I realize that I am an extremely lucky woman to have three husbands in one year. Who else in the world has had the love of three men in one year. I realize running off to Vegas was just a moment of insanity and rebellion, but hey, we all do crazy things in our lives, right?
It is so odd that Karl and I reconnected right at the time that we did. Crazy how things work out the way that they do. Karl took yesterday off of work to be with me. He didn't want me to do anything stupid, and I probably would have, had he not been there. Thank you Karl. I love you.
On a side note----I feel like the stupidest person. I finally took my explorer to the car wash to have Heber washed off of it. I wanted to get it vacuumed and the seats shampooed. I had the same thing done to my taurus and it was like 40.00. So I was expecting to pay around the same price. I took it somewhere different and find out it is 150.00. I was feeling stupid about that, but even stupider when I waited 3 freaking hours for it to get done. It was 3:30 and I needed to go pick up the twins from the bus stop so I went over to the people and demanded I have it back now because I had to leave. Only to find out that nothing had been done on the inside of my car!!! I unleashed my anger on this poor man. Melodee said,"mom I was scared, you went psycho"
Posted by sarabowles at 7:43 PM
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 2:37 PM
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 10:51 AM
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I am coming out to everyone who reads my blog. I asked for help, but now I just want to share the pain. NO, I am not a lesbian. But I am a bulimic. I have started telling people because I need help. I know people think, well just stop, Sara. Believe me, I have tried to just stop, but I can't. This is bigger than me. Its not like when I just stopped drinking those heavenly delicious frozen cappucinos. This is bigger than that and I need help. Let me just describe the fight that goes on in my head every day.
I wake up and think, should I eat breakfast or just skip it. Usually I decide to skip it until I get to circle K and get a twenty cent banana and a diet coke. No problem, those are less than 150 calories. Okay, I can handle 150 calories. No big deal. Then lunch comes around, I am weak and tired and shaking because I need to eat. So I go to Circle K and look through every isle examining how many calories each item has and decide on 90 calorie lunch meat a bag of pretzels and maybe another banana. That's almost 400 calories. I get back to work and scarf it down because I am starving and shaking. Okay, I am good. About twenty minutes later, I start panicking and worrying about my hips getting bigger or my thighs. I try and calm myself and say, it's ok. You can burn it off later on the elliptical. But then I think, What if I don't have time tonight to work out? This fight goes on in my head after every meal. I finally give in and down a liter of water, wait about a minute and then go and empty my stomach. Relief from the fight in my head. Relief from the fear of gaining weight. But not relief from the torture to my body.
I struggled with this problem in high school, but managed to put it behind me until Jeremy died. Then it made its way back into my life again. I am always tired. I am always weak. But most of all there is a constant struggle in my head that consumes my thoughts. If anyone else struggles with the same thing, please comment. (everyone else too)
Posted by sarabowles at 3:28 PM
Monday, August 3, 2009
I use my blog to vent. I am sorry if I upset or offend people. If you don't want to be upset or offended by my personal feelings, please stop reading. I thought I was depressed after Jeremy died. I was. I was so depressed that I did some crazy whacked out stuff. I am even more depressed now. Most of it is from all the crazy whacked out stuff that I did. I don't really dwell on it, but I do feel stuck. I know all that stuff isn't where happiness comes from. I know that happiness comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. I try and pray. I am doing better and feeling more comfortable in praying. But, I am still so depressed. I still feel so overwhelmed by the mountains in front of me. I do pretty good during the day, but after work I come home and fall apart. I just can't hold it together anymore. I thought David would be a strength to me and he wasn't. He was falling apart just as much as I was. I just have to be a strength to myself.
My brother Sam was texting me early this morning while I was getting ready for work. He will never know how much that helped me. I wasnt' going to get out of bed this morning. I just wanted to lay there all day and zone out. But, it was McKenzee's first day back at daycare and she was so excited to go, so I dragged myself into the shower. When I got out there was a text from Sam. He helped me realize that I have a good quality right now. I may be poor, but I am only poor because I am reliable and pay my bills. In today's market, I am one of the rare people with amazingly good credit. That may sound stupid, but today it gave me the positive boost I needed to get my fat lazy butt out of bed and go to work.
My sister called me last night. She seems to know when I am lonely and depressed. I apologize Lerbis, for being a bitter lonely depressed hag last night. I know you are trying to help, but I don't know what I need. I love you.
Posted by sarabowles at 9:03 AM
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 12:12 PM
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I had a dream about Jeremy Sunday night. He was porceline looking and I knew he was an angel, but I hugged him and I could feel him as if he were there and not in my dream. His chest was bare and it was perfect. Scar free and perfect. He told me he would never leave me. And he gave me the courage to make the change in my life that I needed. I have been so scared to raise my four kids alone that I rushed at the speed of light, into a marriage that neither of us was ready for. I know I am not alone in raising my babies. I have so many wonderful friends. I have my parents and I have Jeremy helping from above. I never have enough energy for them, but I do have enough love. Thank you so much to everyone. Jill, thank you for calling me all the time, it seems, right when I am falling apart, you are always there. Emily, thank you so much for texting me at all hours of the night. Tiffani, thank you for dropping everything and getting my kids because they are scared of the lightning. Rebecca, thank you for not saying "I told you so", even though you had every right. Mom and Dad, thank you for everything. David, thank you for loving me enough to leave me. Most of all thank you Melodee, Brandon, Cameron, and McKenzee for being forgiving of your crazy mother. I need to grieve Jeremy's loss. I never did. I just went numb. I need to be Sara, and I need to take care of myself.
Posted by sarabowles at 3:28 PM
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 8:55 AM
Monday, July 13, 2009
First of all, I went camping once when I was four or five. I don't remember it at all. That was the only time my family went camping as a kid. We never went again because it was a horrible experience. I didn't go to girls camp. I am not a roughing it kind of person. I live in Heber/Overgaard. Life is camping to me. So.......My boys birthday was Saturday, July 11. For their birthday last year, we took their cake and few presents down to the hospital and spent it with their dad in his hospital bed. Grandpa Jim wanted to make this a better birthday for those boys. HE DID! They won't ever forget it.
Friday, Jim came and picked the kids up at about 11:30. David waited for me to get off of work and we drove up together. It rained Friday night so we all slept in the fifth wheel. Early the next morning, Jim took the twins fishing at Reservation Lake. Mel and I went for a jog around the woods. We got back and got ready and went to look for the boys. We drove around for over an hour looking for them. Of course there was no service for our cell phones so we never found them and went back to the trailer. They showed up about an hour later and said they went to a different lake. Cameron was whining because he didn't catch any fish, but Brandon caught one. They ate it for dinner that night. David wasn't feeling good and I didn't sleep a wink the night before, so we took Kenz and Camme home. Mel and Brandon stayed with Grandpa and they slept Saturday night in a tent. Camme was worried about bears so he wanted to leave. Grandpa and Brandon didn't get attacked by a bear, just an elk. Brandon caught a total of three fish. So we know who will save us from starvation.
They want to go again. Thank you Grandpa Jim!!!
Posted by sarabowles at 8:48 AM
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I need a vacation! Who wants to go with me? No kids, no phones, no men. Just relaxing and having a hot tan muscular man rub oil on our bodies while we tan ourselves in our bikinis on a sunny beach. Occasionally sip our icy drinks to keep us cool.... right. In my dreams. Well maybe someday, just not today.
Posted by sarabowles at 9:24 AM
Friday, June 19, 2009
Girls night out rules!!! Jill and I went and saw Angels and Demons. During the movie, Jill got up to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she had a new drink. I thought hers ran out and she bought another one. She sat down and turned to me and said,"Why are there three drink cups?" She was drinking someone elses cup that she found in the bathroom. We both wanted to throw up!!! SICK!
Posted by sarabowles at 4:43 PM
Friday, June 5, 2009
I cannot make up my mind....obviously. So we moved back to Heber on Saturday May 30. I am back at A1 Glass. David is looking for a job. Melodee is back in summer music at Capps. The boys are going to go back to Mountain Meadows in August for 2nd grade. (I can't believe they are that old) And Kenz is back to being the spoiled baby. We are not living in the same house as before. We are renting a different place over on the other side of the boys school. It is so nice to be in our own place again. It feels like we are a family again. We are still having emotional issues, pretty much ALL of us, but we are working through them. It is easier to remember who you were, when you are surrounded by reminders.
Today started out being boring....until Jill showed up at my work and we got our diet sodas together. JILL I am so glad you are back from CA!!!! (even if you aren't) You made my day!
Posted by sarabowles at 4:29 PM
Monday, May 25, 2009
Last Memorial Day, little Carissa Gwen Hall passed away. Six months later, my husband Jeremy passed away. I have a lot to remember this Memorial day. I was drifting off to sleep tonight and started dreaming that it was November 1st again. That was such a happy day. I went to Payson with the kids to go grocery shopping. While we were on the way there, Jeremy called from Banner Baywood and said that he was getting released that day. He had his mom bring him up to Payson where we picked him up at the MacDonalds there. It was such a crisp day. The sun was shining, the air smelt so clean of fall. We didn't even need our jackets. The kids played and Jeremy looked the best that he had in months. He could walk with out assistance. He wasn't shaking uncontrollably. We were all happy to see our Jeremy. Then I flashed to November3rd.....Jeremy on the couch. The first Brady bunch episode playing on the television. I turned off the tv and looked at Jeremy, arms folded on across his chest, cold stiff with his mouth gaping open....not breathing. Very peaceful, but very wrong.... He had been that way for hours. The reading light was still left on. He always turned it off. He always turned off the tv. He was very OCD, didn't miss any details. My heart felt like it had stopped. I checked for a pulse, all I could feel was my own. I knew he was dead.........I hugged him and started crying, "I am so happy for you! I am so happy for you!" Then I called 911. .....
That morning lasted forever. Time had no meaning. A huge part of me died that morning too. I have been trying to figure out who I am for the past six or seven months. I have made so many mistakes since that day, trying to run away from the pain. I cannot explain the intense pain that comes from losing your soulmate. But, I know that the crazy decisions that I have made have hurt those who I love the most. I am so sorry. I am so grateful for your continual love dispite the choices I have made. I don't want to do the things that remind me of Jeremy. I need to do those things again, like go to church. My kids are starting to notice that they want that back in their lives. Cameron asked me this morning to go to church. Thank you to Grandma, my mom, for giving them that stability that they needed when I was unable/unwilling.
Posted by sarabowles at 12:24 AM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
So I just need to vent again on this Mother's Day. It was a good day. My kids were super sweet with their cards and hugs. I loved them! Cameron even wrote a card in Spanish. How cute......I just have been feeling again. The numbness has wore off. I have been being really short fused with everyone I know. It hasn't been fair. I haven't been being fair to anyone.
Posted by sarabowles at 9:56 PM
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 9:33 PM
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 9:01 PM
Friday, April 3, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 10:39 PM
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 3:30 PM
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I watched the Biggest Loser tonight and I realized that I need to become a Biggest Loser again. I kind of plateaued on my weight loss. I just have those last pesky ten pounds to go to be at my goal. But hey, I will get there.
Posted by sarabowles at 9:13 PM
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 7:11 PM
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Posted by sarabowles at 10:03 PM
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Today for our weekly family fun day we went up to Cottonwood to visit my boyfriend, David King, and his family. We had so much fun together. David's two children were there too so we were kind of like the Brady Bunch with three boys and three girls. But it was still a really fun day! Kenzee seems to always have an immediate bond with the grandpas. This is David's dad, Jim, holding Kenz while she talked his ear off about some toy she was holding.
Posted by sarabowles at 11:28 PM