I am coming out to everyone who reads my blog. I asked for help, but now I just want to share the pain. NO, I am not a lesbian. But I am a bulimic. I have started telling people because I need help. I know people think, well just stop, Sara. Believe me, I have tried to just stop, but I can't. This is bigger than me. Its not like when I just stopped drinking those heavenly delicious frozen cappucinos. This is bigger than that and I need help. Let me just describe the fight that goes on in my head every day.
I wake up and think, should I eat breakfast or just skip it. Usually I decide to skip it until I get to circle K and get a twenty cent banana and a diet coke. No problem, those are less than 150 calories. Okay, I can handle 150 calories. No big deal. Then lunch comes around, I am weak and tired and shaking because I need to eat. So I go to Circle K and look through every isle examining how many calories each item has and decide on 90 calorie lunch meat a bag of pretzels and maybe another banana. That's almost 400 calories. I get back to work and scarf it down because I am starving and shaking. Okay, I am good. About twenty minutes later, I start panicking and worrying about my hips getting bigger or my thighs. I try and calm myself and say, it's ok. You can burn it off later on the elliptical. But then I think, What if I don't have time tonight to work out? This fight goes on in my head after every meal. I finally give in and down a liter of water, wait about a minute and then go and empty my stomach. Relief from the fight in my head. Relief from the fear of gaining weight. But not relief from the torture to my body.
I struggled with this problem in high school, but managed to put it behind me until Jeremy died. Then it made its way back into my life again. I am always tired. I am always weak. But most of all there is a constant struggle in my head that consumes my thoughts. If anyone else struggles with the same thing, please comment. (everyone else too)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Fight
Posted by sarabowles at 3:28 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Oh my Dear Sara, I ache for you everyday. I love you and you are in my prayers. I wish I had the right words to make it better but all I know and can say it that you are a child of God and that He love you. I love you, Jeremy loves you, and your kids love you.
I understand the fears of being both anorexic and bulimic. I’ve conquered that problem, but remain very bothered by confusion and chaos. I need things to be sane. I need plans and backup plans. My obsession with details has caused others to see me in an unfavorable light thinking I am just being controlling. But I know my Savior understands. The Savior understands you too.
I hope you are in counseling. Love and support from your family and friends isn't going to be enough. It seems that you have begun to understand why so many were concerned when you eloped. At that time, you took it as a lack of support and were majorly POed. From my viewpoint, it had more to do with the difficulty of standing by and watching someone make what seemed to be a hasty and possibly foolish decision. How can you say "Wonderful!" when you are so sure it's a bad decidion?
If you will accept it, your parents, and siblings can help you also. You are loved. But sometimes love means standing back and letting others suffer the consequences of your decisions. When consequences are mitigated, no much is learned. Many pray for you and the children often
My brother went through a very rough patch. In trying to help, I did too much. My Bishop and Stake President, who is a social worker by profession, helped me to understand that we should not do for anyone else what they can and should do for themselves.
He explained that there are three reasons why we do things for others. The first, is because it is our responsibility. A good example is with our children. We do everything for them in the first years and then help them learn to do for themselves as they grow and mature.
The second is because of love. I love Edmund so I iron his shirts. The caution with this reason is to keep the relationship in balance so it remains healthy. For example, Ed scoops me ice cream because he know I hate to do it!
The third reason is a lousy reason. It is guilt. Many individuals with troubling circumstances learn to be master manipulators. The caution here is to make sure you don’t manipulate people and circumstances to get your way. When anyone does something out of guilt, they become co-dependent with you. They become part of the problem and frustrate the healing process.
You need to stay close to Heavenly Father. I testify that strength comes from obedience. You can bind blessings for yourself and your children as you keep the commandments and honor the covenants you have made. Be temple worth and go often. Claim these blessings for yourself. Give yourself all the time you need.
With Love and Blessings,
Auntie Ann
I don't know if your stake has the addiction program that LDS services runs, but if they do I would recommend it. I have talked to some folks who have gone and all have had a very positive experience. All you need to do is talk to your bishop. If you aren't going to church, you could stop in and talk to the bishop just long enough to find out if they have it or not and get a referral to go.
It's a strong person who recognizes the need for help and reaches out for it. Let me know if you need any help finding out more.
Post a Comment