Monday, August 3, 2009

Depressed

I use my blog to vent. I am sorry if I upset or offend people. If you don't want to be upset or offended by my personal feelings, please stop reading. I thought I was depressed after Jeremy died. I was. I was so depressed that I did some crazy whacked out stuff. I am even more depressed now. Most of it is from all the crazy whacked out stuff that I did. I don't really dwell on it, but I do feel stuck. I know all that stuff isn't where happiness comes from. I know that happiness comes from the Lord Jesus Christ. I try and pray. I am doing better and feeling more comfortable in praying. But, I am still so depressed. I still feel so overwhelmed by the mountains in front of me. I do pretty good during the day, but after work I come home and fall apart. I just can't hold it together anymore. I thought David would be a strength to me and he wasn't. He was falling apart just as much as I was. I just have to be a strength to myself.

My brother Sam was texting me early this morning while I was getting ready for work. He will never know how much that helped me. I wasnt' going to get out of bed this morning. I just wanted to lay there all day and zone out. But, it was McKenzee's first day back at daycare and she was so excited to go, so I dragged myself into the shower. When I got out there was a text from Sam. He helped me realize that I have a good quality right now. I may be poor, but I am only poor because I am reliable and pay my bills. In today's market, I am one of the rare people with amazingly good credit. That may sound stupid, but today it gave me the positive boost I needed to get my fat lazy butt out of bed and go to work.

My sister called me last night. She seems to know when I am lonely and depressed. I apologize Lerbis, for being a bitter lonely depressed hag last night. I know you are trying to help, but I don't know what I need. I love you.

4 comments:

Becca said...

Love you Sara. I know I am not much help but I do love and care about you. I wish I could help in all the ways you need it. I wish I could say just the right thing to get you aout of bed, but I am not eloquent or even very good at thinking through problems and finding solutions. But I always have a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Don Bowles Blog said...

Hang in there Sara. You are loved!

Cicily said...

I'm super offended by your honesty :) I'm proud of you for getting dressed and ready, that's more than I can say. Love you Sara, you're the best.

Ben and Maggie said...

Sara you are so amazing! I complain and I don't even have to earn money for my family. I just take care of the kids. Oh and I almost never get dressed or put on make-up or exercise . . . hmm what do I do? Oh! Eat! I'm grateful for your blog or I probably wouldn't know anything going on. I know so little as it is, but I know I love you and admire your courage to face each new day.