Thursday, February 19, 2009


I need to vent. Sometimes I feel like the computer is the only thing I can really talk to. It doesn't judge. It doesn't even care if I am irrational at times. I am sick today and I am pretty sure it is due to the stress, lack of sleep, and lack of eating that I have been doing. I want to get away for awhile, but I know that I will just have to come back and deal with things. I feel like crying, but that doesn't solve anything either. So computer here comes my venting, brace yourself.............

I am so stressed because obviously from my last post, I haven't been making good decisions lately. Nothing that would get me in trouble with the law or even my church standing, just a mental hospital. It is so hard trying to make the best choices for me and for my kids. My kids have various needs and just because something is better for one of them, it isn't the best for all four. Everyone tells me that I can't take care of my kids unless I take care of myself. Every mother knows that the mom is the last one to have their needs met. So I moved in with my parents thinking that it would be better for us. I think the only one who is doing better about that was me. My kids hate me for changing their lives. They let me know every chance they get. Which makes my life worse too. I don't even feel like I can get a job because the younger three have heart attacks every time I leave the room. They suffer abandonment issues according to my therapist. Being the only parent is a HUGE responsibility! I am so sorry for everyone who has the task of raising kids on their own. I pray for all of you! I at least have an awesome supportive family. They don't replace dad, but they love me and help me. My mom is the best at that.

I have awesome friends. They are the best. But they just don't replace that connection you can have with a man. I would love a guy to hold me and let me just melt in his arms so I don't have to remember my problems for awhile. Like that is what I envision every time I hear the song Fall. "Fall, go on and fall apart. Fall into these arms of mine and I'll catch you everytime you Fall go on and loose it all. Every doubt every worry every fear, I'm right here. Baby fall " mmm good song. But who am I to think that I deserve to find love twice, when so many others are still looking for their first. How selfish is that! I may not have had the best marriage. But still, I had a marriage. Eleven years of not being alone. Eleven years of someone else to talk to. Eleven years of someone else to help make important decisions. What makes me think that I deserve any more than that? I don't know that I deserve it at all, but I sure would like it.


sarabowles said...

i fixed it!!!!!

Nikki said...

OK, so I felt the same way when I got divorced. I thought I had it once at 19 and threw it away. Why should I get another chance when some people in their 40's have never had it!? But it does hapen Sara! Heavenly Father has BIG plans for you! I love you Sara!